I dont know why but tonight I let myself go on a rant about my dad.  I hate talking about him because it just brings up boiling thoughts that I just need to spill out.  I think this is my first journal entry and I'm kind of sad that it has to be about something so depressing but here I go.  My dad and I are weird.  After my parents got divorced when I was 15 we have a strained relationship.  I chose to live with my mom.  My brother, who was 12 at the time, chose to live with my dad.  I lived in the same town as him but he stopped talking to me because I guess he felt betrayed that I chose to live with my mom and not him.  Anyways, then he started to do weird things like slash my tires when I was at school and put a tracking device on my car so he could know where I was all the time.  I didn't find out until much later that he was doing all of this.

Anyways, now I'm 20 and still live in the same town as my dad.  Things are sometimes looking better between us but then he goes on his little rampages and we won't talk for months.  He'll find some strange reason to be mad at me.  Like, for example, he's mad at me now because all of a sudden he canceled my health insurance that I was on under his name and he didn't tell me about it.  I tried calling and calling him to ask him why he did this and he wouldnt answer.  My mom finally got a hold of him and he denied ever doing anything and then finally said that he told me a long time ago he was going to do it.  He's an ass.  He's a manipulative liar that I can't stop loving.  I care so much to have a good relationship with my dad that it kills me.  It eats me up inside.  I used to think things were all my fault but I'm learning that most of it is his and his twisted way of thinking.  He is incapable of loving me.  He never will.  I just want my dad to be at my wedding, to see his first grandchild, to invite me over for Christmas.  I think he is running out of time though.  I think I am soon getting to that point where I just stop dealing with his bullying ways and move on.  I need to.  For my sanity.  He is crazy and mean.